This morning I'm writing when I truly don't want to write. I don't want to do anything at all, but I've got to force myself to go to work to pay the bills. The bills that claim my whole months pay. Such is life right now.
I don't want to write because I'm not in a state of mind that I want to be in. I'm spiraling again, into a pit of sadness, anger, and stress. These spirals have happened Iess and less but each time still feels terrible. I would love to crawl under my blanket and lay in bed for a week. But I know that I just can't do that.
So what's the problem? I think it may have something to do with my inability to find balance in my life. I'm trying so hard to be a good friend, a better musician, my own music manager, a good partner, and a healthy, active person. But where do I find the time to really accomplish all of these things? I am utterly overwhelmed. I am trying to handle unexpected bills. I'm trying to get my finances together and take care of errands like buying groceries, meal prep, laundry, etc.
I'm trying to practice, write, be active online for the band. I'm supposed to be exercising, reading, learning. And I'm somehow supposed to make time to be present in all of my friend's and family member's lives on top of it all. By the way, I do have a full time day job. I am fucking exhausted. I'm sacrificing self care, I'm helpless when it comes to helping loved ones with their issues, I'm scrutinized for being too tired all the time and I am in physical pain often.
I just want to find balance. I will age very quickly and miserably if I continue on like this. But I haven't found the answers yet. It's all about never sleeping, always hustling these days. I wish I had time for a goddamn lunch break. I would really like to take a nap. I'm sorry to unload my shit but I think I just need this release. I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated.
I feel like I'm haunted by a growing list of things I need to do or should be doing. I am so bad with managing my time and with prioritizing things. I wish I could afford to hire someone to organize my life. Ugh. Have you ever felt this way? I feel alone at the moment.
Things that I need to focus on:
Music. My fibromyalgia and hypersomnia management. Diet. Exercise. Budget. Marriage. It doesn't sound like a lot. I don't know why I can't manage it all. I'm losing my train of thought and I'm cutting it close if I want to make it to work on time. If you made it to the end of this post, I'm sorry for wasting your time. Or, I'm thankful you might actually care.