"A condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal."
Have you ever had a moment of reflection, where you analyze many parts of your life to validate how you became to be the person you are today? I may sound nuts, and I understand if you skip this post. I’ve been incredibly contemplative lately, and I think it’s important to be open and honest in order to connect with people. I truly hope to make friends and fans that can relate and understand some of my weirdness. The last year has been one of major self reflection and change for me. I’d like to share more about that, but in order to make sense I think I should go back and talk about some of the past. It may be interesting and it may not be. Hell, these type of posts may just be my own public journal entries. We’ll see!
I struggle with depression. I know that’s pretty common. I know that it doesn’t make me special. I also know that some people throw that word around without actually understanding what it means. Let me explain from my own experiences and perspective. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had these random days of feeling overwhelming sadness and hopelessness. Most of the time, without any reason. Sometimes I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to be completely alone so that I can let out all of my emotions through crying or screaming. Sometimes I will just beat myself up in my own head, and convince myself that I really am insignificant. For me depression feels selfish most of the time. It feels like a pathetic pity party, a constant fight with myself leaving little energy to care for anyone or anything else.
When I’m not having a bout of depression, I’m extremely caring. I have a genuine desire to help those that I love, and to comfort people that need it. I had small groups of friends as a teenager but was so incredibly insecure and convinced none of them actually wanted me around. But I was always a loyal and loving friend. I still am. I have gone through some strange shit throughout my childhood including my parent’s messy divorce which must have amplified the loneliness and sadness I felt. Thankfully these horrible feelings have become easier to push away or work through over the years. Thankfully I’ve been able to write out my emotions in journals, poetry, and song.
The past couple of years I’ve really been fighting just to like myself and to be productive. I believe I’m finally becoming a new, better version of me. I’m sure that I’ll never be finished. I don’t think we’re ever perfect…we’re always working and changing as we grow. I don’t fully know where I’m going with this but I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. If anyone has ever felt low, lonely, or insecure like this…I want to tell you that you are strong enough to get through it. Somehow, you can and you will. Fight back against it in the most productive little ways you can. Take it one step at a time. One moment at a time. Music is my medicine and my escape from the noise in my brain. Find your escape in the most healthy way possible and I promise you, it will get a little easier.